


puff of heaven

by wheesus



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Uni AU, a squint of jeonghyo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2018-12-11 18:16:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheesus/pseuds/wheesus
Summary: nayeon curses herself for doing the same thing over and over again. she neglects school for the entire semester, and when it's finally exams week, she finds herself spending the most of her nights in the library -'till the librarian nicely tells her it's time to close up.she looks up, notices that the only people left are the poor librarian, some girl whom she's never paid attention to, and herself; so she collects the scattered papers and pens, her half finished coffee, and goes to her apartment, where she spends the rest of her night underlining and highlighting, talking to herself in an attempt to memorize things faster.it becomes a habit; she expects the consecutive sleepless nights of finals the way she expects the sun to shine every morning. what she doesn't expect though is that when she makes a turn to her usual hideout, she finds the myoui mina -student council vice president, model student, underclassman prodigy- occupying her favorite spot, with a burning stick between her slender fingers.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> the four times outside the library, nayeon talks to mina, and the one time, outside the club, they don't talk.  
> (italics are for flashback/previous conversations)

she looks up, notices that the only people left are the poor librarian, some girl whom she's never paid attention to, and herself; so she collects the scattered papers and pens, her half finished coffee, and heads out, - to her apartment, where she spends the rest of her night underlining and highlighting, talking to herself in an attempt to memorize things faster.

the december night’s breeze makes her shudder. she hugs herself and makes a mental note to remember bringing her coat the next time she’s wasting the young night in the library.

the lights from the library go off, and moments later she hears the other two girls’ chatters, as they walk a few meters behind her.

“good night nayeon!” the librarian, jihyo, shouts when she reaches the front gates.

nayeon waves without turning around.

jihyo breaks most of her job’s stereotypes. for instance, she’s loud, a mess, and straightforward; in other words, she doesn’t think twice before calling people out for their shit.

she actually first got the duty as a punishment for talking back to a professor, in front of over a hundred students; but she ended up liking it and sticking around.

nayeon is still amused with that incident, around a year ago, when a girl from jeongyeon’s class returned a book that apparently had lipstick smudges on it, and jihyo’s blatant self didn’t hesitate before commenting, _“listen, momo, we all know your virgin ass is craving some affection but you could’ve made out with something that.is.not.this.poor.innocent.book.”_

_//_

it’s crowded when she walks into the library, one hour after classes have ended. she smiles at the librarian, trudging to her usual spot, somewhere away from the mob of students drowning in books and papers.

she finds her bag, along with a note, and not only after she carefully puts down the two cups of coffee that she reads it; _this is the last time i’m keeping you a seat. the librarian hates me_ _for it_.

nayeon smirks, crumpling the piece of paper between her fingers, before throwing it to hit the girl sitting across from her, on the forehead.

“oh, i see trouble is here.” jeongyeon taunts, glaring at the girl who just came in.

“and i see you still haven’t made _her_ your girlfriend yet,” nayeon snarks, her gaze falling on the same girl she smiled at as she walked in. “anyways, i got you coffee.”

they fall into a familiar silence, as each of them dives into her own suffering.

 

jeongyeon goes home first, like always, leaving behind a beyond frustrated nayeon.

 

 

_//_

 

_jeongyeon snorts as she walks into their dorm. on the small, yet incredibly comfy, couch is nayeon taking what’s probably her 4th nap of the day._

_“you’re here again!” she teases; stirring the older girl from her sleep._

_the latter yawns, stretching her arms, as she throws an eyeroll at the intruder._

_“it smells nice,” jeongyeon comments, ignoring the dirty looks she’s received. she walks into the kitchen and eyes the pot of food._

_“and, it feels nice to come home to a very very caring wife; let’s eat.” she coaxes the older girl._

 

_//_

 

it has been over an hour since jeongyeon left, and nayeon doesn’t gather her belongings when she stands up. on her way out, she leans onto the wooden counter separating her from jihyo and whispers, “i’m going to the restroom. it’d be nice if you don’t throw away my bag and stuff.” she cracks a smile, as jihyo rolls her eyes.

and for the first time that week, she doesn’t see the girl in the navy blue hoodie who usually sits at the table closest to the door. the same girl who leaves with jihyo every night.

she has never seen her face before, for she’s always immersed in the sheets; face buried in books, and hair all over the place. but she doesn’t ponder over it for too long, instead, her mind drifts straight to when she starts beating herself over for making the same mistake over and over again.

being in her sixth semester in university, you expect her to have quit the _all nighter crew_ , but here she is, at 11 pm, strolling down the path to the closest restroom, taking a break from studying for the first time for an exam at 9 am the following morning.

the place is around a hundred meters away, but nayeon takes a turn before reaching it. she walks through a bush to a corner right behind the library.

 

“holy shi- fucking shit! you scared the shit out of me.” she curses when she sees the silhouette leisurely leaning against the wall.

“i’d say the same.” the person says with a soft voice.

“well, you don’t seem like it.” scoffs nayeon, taking a better look at the person. she recognizes the navy blue hoodie, _jihyo’s buddy_.

 

she’s taken aback when the other girl turns to look at her all of a sudden.

 

she expects the consecutive sleepless nights of finals the way she expects the sun to rise every morning. what she doesn't expect though is finding _the_ myoui mina -student council vice president, model student, underclassman prodigy- occupying her favorite hideout, with a burning stick between her innocent pink lips.

 

_//_

 

_“we got classes together.”_

_“isn’t she like jihyo’s age?” she asks jeongyeon, as they lift their coffees to take a sip in a mind-blowing level of synchronization._

_“yeah, but the girl is a smartpants, they got her skipping a year back in high school or something.” jeongyeon answers, looking at the girl who is talking to the barista._

_“i would have absolutely went for her if i weren’t stuck in this hopeless unrequited feelings situation.”_

_“sucks for you then,” nayeon comments nonchalantly, and her gaze isn’t even on the girl in question._

 

_//_

 

“crap!” nayeon hisses, going through all of her pockets, looking for a light. “shit,” she repeats and kicks a stone.

“here,” mina says. she ignites a match and steps closer to the older girl. the latter leans in to catch it; sighs in relief when she finally inhales the burning tabacco.

“thank you,” she mumbles, leaning her back against the wall, in a similar fashion to mina’s.

 

“what are you doing out here?” nayeon asks, in an attempt to dissipate the thick silence falling upon them.

“i come out here whenever i feel like crying,” mina mutters, “it’s better to regret my life choices in the dark than back there in the library.” and nayeon can’t tell if the girl is being serious, or if she’s just messing around.

 

she brings the cigarette to her lips, and inhales. she looks at mina from the corner of her eyes and catches her exhaling the thick, foggy smoke.

the lonely lamppost casts its orange light over them, and nayeon can’t help but stare at the younger girl a bit too long, _she looks like a masterpiece out of place_.


	2. ignite a match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she takes a breath, watches the paper burn, coming to life to perish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't really pointed this out before but offonoff's cigarette (ft. miso, -and the man i love the most- tablo) inspired me to write this.

the lonely lamppost casts orange hues over the equally lonely cranny behind the library.

nayeon takes her usual turn, walks through the bush, and into the single place she’d call a comfort zone in the university.

it is some time after 10 in the evening, and the december breeze is determined on making nayeon regret getting herself stuck in the library again, trying to tend to subjects and courses that she has abandoned over the semester.

 

she squats down, almost hugging her knees, before she brings the cigarette to her lips. her cold fingers look for the lighter she always has stashed in one of her pockets. when they come in contact with the plastic frame, she heaves a sigh and pulls it out. her back finds the wall, and she leans on it, the cigarette still tucked between her lips.

it’s freezing, and nayeon scolds herself for failing to wear something that would protect her from the icy weather.

the nicotine stick is still unlit; nayeon doesn’t know what she’s waiting for to ignite a light and inhale her relief. one that comes in the form of burning toxins and pastel breaths.

 

the sound of footsteps and rustling of fallen leaves breaks her trance. she doesn’t bother to hide what she’s holding, and she looks up, her eyes meeting a familiar navy blue fabric.

 

“may i join you?” the intruder asks, modesty marking her tone.

“sure,” nayeon assures, dropping her gaze before she meets the girl’s eyes.

 

mina stands a few feet away from her. she leans against the wall; and from the corner of her eye, nayeon can see her pull a packet of cigarettes from her jeans’ pocket. she pushes the cover up with her nose, and uses her lips to pull a stick. she then stuffs it back into the same pocket, and pulls a matchbox. she grabs a match, and swiftly strikes it against the concrete wall. only then does she use her right hand, as she covers the vulnerable flame and pulls it closer to her cigarette.

she doesn’t put it off, instead, she leans closer to nayeon, who still has her cigarette between her lips, begging to be set on fire.

they don’t exchange words. nayeon puts her lighter back into the pocket of her sweatshirt, and brings up her hand to help mina cover the burning match. their hands touch, and mina flinches a little at how cold nayeon’s is. but the latter doesn’t notice. she takes a breath, watches the paper burn, coming to life to perish.

 

the younger girl pulls back. she whips her hand to put off the flame, and doesn’t throw the wooden stick away.

 

“it gets a bit eerie here sometimes.” mina breaks the silence, before she takes another drag of her cigarette.

 

“is that why you-,” nayeon interrupts herself, holding back a question that might come off rude.

she hears the other girl giggle. “followed you? yes.”

“i also thought you might need a hoodie,” she adds, grabbing nayeon’s attention enough to make her look up. it’s for the first time that the latter notices the hoodie dangling from mina’s arm.

she can’t help the smile that creeps on her face. she stands up, and takes the hoodie from the younger girl, shyly thanking her for her courtesy.

 

“i’ll hold this for you,” mina suggests, ushering at the stick between nayeon’s fingers.

the latter thanks her again, carefully passing her the cigarette as she grabs the hoodie with her free hand.

wrapping it around her body, she feels a bit warmer, and her smile subconsciously grows.

like a déja-vu, nayeon leans against the wall, mirroring mina’s position.

they stand in silence for a while, during which, nayeon finds herself drowning in the soft scent of mina’s hoodie; _jasmine_. it is sweet, exactly what you would imagine myoui mina to smell like. however, nayeon couldn’t ignore the subtle touch of smoke lingering in the piece of clothes.

mina speaks up again, “you sure as heck don’t dress enough for december.” she comments, and nayeon can hear the smirk in her voice.

 

“i don’t really like having too many layers..” the older girl answers. she inhales, throws a glance at the girl -who is staring into the distance, as far as the wall allows her to-, and exhales the foggy smoke.

she’s thinking of something, anything, to keep the conversation going; and she thanks the lords when the other girl speaks again.

“i don’t really see you around, except for exams weeks.” mina deadpans.

“yeah, i’m not a fan of coming to school,” nayeon chuckles then adds, “but i end up regretting it throughout the coffee cups, energy drinks, and sleepless nights, trying to catch up to months’ worth of classes.”

“then maybe you should party less, and study more.” nayeon’s sudden burst of laughter takes her by surprise. she frowns, unable to pinpoint what exactly was funny about what she said. if anything, mina thought the older girl would be offended by it.

she’s staring at the girl in confusion, waiting for her laughters to die down; anticipating an explanation to the joke she has missed.

 

“i’ll keep your advice in mind for the next semester.” the older girl deadpans, coughing a little. she bites back the comeback she has in mind. _“people who have it easy always know what to say, it seems.”_

 

_//_

 

_“why are you dressed like you’re on your way to rob a bank.” jeongyeon teases from the dining table, checking her housemate from head to toe; black hoodie, ripped skinny jeans, a pair of worn out sneakers. to top it off, she’s wearing a black ball cup, and a face mask of the same color is hanging from her right ear._

_“my selling kidney deal got canceled and i need the money.” nayeon grimaces, walking over to sit across from the girl, a cup of coffee in her hand._

_“and how will i survive without your coffees and your food when you’re rotting in jail?” jeongyeon pouts, earning an eyeroll from the older girl._

_“maybe it’ll give you the guts to ask that hopeless crush of yours out and, i don’t know, get her to move in, and maybe get married and, you know..”_

_“or learn how to cook.” nayeon adds._

_“we drift off the main topic rather fast,” jeongyeon comments, munching on a big bite of her cookie. “i don’t understand why you dress like this going to school.”_

_“use your brain for once, yoo.” the senior sighs. “no one talks to you if no one recognizes you. get it?”_

_“so,” jeongyeon carefully starts, “you just slip into the shadows?” she asks, to which the older girl nods with a smile plastered on her face. “teachers?”_

_“they got used to this. plus, they don’t bother as long as i get good grades and don’t disrupt the flow of lessons.”_

_“you almost never go to school anyways, why bother attending now?” jeongyeon asks, sipping the last of her coffee._

_“literature lectures, hot lecturers. i can’t miss out on these.” nayeon smirks. she puts the cup in the sink and heads to the front door. “dishes are all yours today. enjoy, darling.”_

 

_//_

 

they stay silent from then. mina is hoping that she didn’t come off as a rude, judgemental, nerdy brat. and nayeon, well, she was thinking of what chapters to drop off and what chapters to study for tomorrow’s exam.


	3. the milky way

it is way past 10 in the evening. jeongyeon has left a good while ago; and nayeon is well _aware_ of how empty the library is, which is news, for nayeon never really pays attention to her surroundings.

 

her time is running out, and it’s not the 11 more chapters she has to go through, nor the 11 thousand dates she has to know by heart that are stressing her out; but rather the fact that the clock is ticking down to 11 pm, which also happens to be the time the library closes on sundays; and nayeon hasn’t had her _cigarette_ of the night yet.

 

from her spot in the library, she can see jihyo sucking on a lollipop as she flips the pages of a text book, taking notes every now and then. it has become a routine for the younger girl to attend to her own suffering, another word nayeon calls studying - _both start with s anyways_ \- when things slow down in the library.

she diverts her gaze a little to the left, trying to be as subtle as possible, to check if the girl that has been occupying her thoughts is at her usual table. she is.

 

nayeon mindlessly tucks her hand into the pocket of her hoodie, her fingers caressing the only cigarette she has left. in fact, she had two before walking into the library, smoked one when she walked jeongyeon to the school gates, leaving her with only one to burn down before she leaves the library. however, nayeon still feels like she hasn’t had her _cigarette_ of the night yet.

 

after fumbling with the cigarette for a bit more, she decides to put an end to her misery before it’s too late. she carefully leaves her seat, cautious not to bother the dozen other students filling the vast space. she walks towards the door, shooting a smile to a tired-looking jihyo, who smiles back before paying attention to the matters she has in hand again. on the left, there sits mina, diving head first in an abundance of papers and books, and a forgotten half empty cup of coffee.

she walks closer to the girl, clutching and unclutching her sweaty hands - _god she is sweating in the middle of a december night_ \- with every step she takes.

she leans closer to the girl, close enough for her to hear her, but far enough not to startle the younger one; and she whispers, “i think i might need me a hoodie, miss myoui,” before she walks out of the large library door.

 

the december breeze never disappoints, slapping nayeon across the face like a wake-up call. and for the the first time in 7 semesters, nayeon is not beating herself over abandoning school, but for an entirely different cause. _what the hell did i just do there? oh god, nayeon what’s wrong with you? i think i might need a hoodie miss myoui? couldn’t i just normally ask her to come out with me or something? jeongyeon would’ve laughed her ass off at me if she were there, but then again she herself is a sore loser she can’t even ask jihyo-_

 

“hey!” a soft voice calls right before she rounds the corner, almost making her jump; but she recognizes who it is and she lets out a shaky breath.

the senior turns around, “hi,” she greets, catching a whiff of the younger girl’s jasmine perfume. she waits for mina to catch up to her before they proceed through the bush, and into the place where they first met.

for the first time, nayeon finds herself nervous around the other girl. she plops herself down on the cold dirty floor, not fearing getting her pants muddied as much as she’s fearing her knees giving up on her.

mina, like a broken dvd playing the same scene over and over again, leans against the wall, a few feet away from _the damsel in distress_ , and although nayeon is far from being a passive, naive, innocent, easy target; she’s for sure a damsel, and obviously in distress.

 

“i think what you need more than a hoodie is a good amount of nicotine wrapped in paper to set on flames and warm you up,” mina teases, offering the older girl a cigarette.

“i prefer calling it a death stick.” nayeon deadpans, her cold fingers reaching for the said object. she thanks mina, and flicks her lighter for a flame.

she deeply sighs after her first inhale, offering her lighter to the girl standing beside her.

in her mind, she’s trying to process how is mina making her feel very nervous and very relieved at the same time; and when exactly did she become more of a relief than her precious cigarettes.

 

usual silence falls upon them, seconds flowing past them to turn into minutes, tabaco burning at the tip of their cigarettes to turn into ashes, smoke escaping their lips to turn into little clouds of fog.

mina is not wearing her usual hoodie, and nayeon doesn’t expect her to wear it like a uniform, or a piece of herself that she carries around in the shape of a cloth.

she recognizes the hoodie mina is wearing as the same one the girl offered her a few nights ago, and she smiles, a smile that she is not aware of, nor would she be able to pinpoint the reason behind it.

 

“you know..i’m sorry if i came off a bit rude, or offensive, the other night.” mina softly utters. and nayeon is pretty certain that she knows what the younger girl is talking about -and it’s not because she has repeated what mina told her in her mind again and again,- but she raises a questioning eyebrow nevertheless.

“huh?”

“you know, about partying less and studying more. i don’t know why i said that. i don’t even know you well. it was wrong of me to just assume things about you, let alone voicing them in such a manner.” mina explains. pausing to take a drag, and waiting for a response.

nayeon doesn’t say anything in return. she just sits there, staring at the stick between her fingers.

“i’m sorry,” the other girl adds.

nayeon inhales, chuckles, and says, “do you wanna know why i don’t attend classes?”

 

“what? no you don’t have to explain yourself to me, really. it’s your life af-”

 

“but if i tell you, i’d have to kill you.” nayeon jokes, interrupting mina.

 

“huh?”

“can i trust you with my secret, miss myoui mina?” nayeon asks, turning to fully look at the underclassman. she notices the confusion on the girl’s face, for her smirk only to grow bigger. she waits for an answer, and when she is on the verge of giving up, mina nods.

 

“i’m very pretty that i’m afraid my presence would only be of distraction to my fellow students.”

 

 _silence_ _._

 

mina snickers, and nayeon watches it turn into a full laugh; and suddenly, they’re no longer in the dim hideout behind the library, they are no longer hiding behind bushes and pressed against cold walls. suddenly they are swimming between the galaxies and the stars, strolling down the milky way, each puff of smoke they have exhaled is a cloud watering the earth, bringing it back to life, bringing nayeon back to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it has been taking me too long to update. i got caught up with lots of stuff, and writer's block is a bih. i wish i could write something better for nayeon's bday but that's all i've got now. happy birthday to the girl with the cutest bunny smile ever.  
> comments and feedback are always a great motivation. thank you ^^


	4. she knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been a year omfg and TT hit 400M (this was my 400M vow and it's what gave me the push to write this)
> 
> another chapter coming your way tonight.
> 
> i'm sorry i'm adding this a bit late but tw: anxiety, depression, pd.

on the good days, nayeon would cook. she would clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, and water the plants. she’d attend some of her classes, and even study a little at home. jeongyeon was not a freeloader, she does everything else that recommends going outside and interacting with humans, including grocery shopping. nayeon would go sometimes, when it’s late at night, empty, and the cashier is too tired to start a small conversation.

 

on the bad days, jeongyeon comes home to nayeon in bed. she doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, doesn’t react to anything. it’s not alarming as long as she’s not heaving. some nights, she would slip into jeongyeon’s bed, looking for warmth, and whatever would make the emptiness go away. and despite being a grumpy sleeper, jeongyeon would always welcome her with open arms.

 

on the worst days..they don’t talk about the worst days. they’ve happened a couple of times, and jeongyeon has got a grasp of what to do on those days. they are gloomy, exhausting, and morbid. overall, jeongyeon is just thankful nayeon is still alive.

 

jeongyeon has always had an idea regarding nayeon’s whole ordeal, but she only got answers when she asked the older girl to be her roommate. they’ve been friends since middle school, and she was going to the same university as her, so why wouldn’t she accept the offer?

only after a summer of trying to convince the older girl that it would be the better, if not the best, option for both of them, that nayeon told her everything.

 

_“do you still want to live with me even after knowing all of this?” nayeon asks, barely looking her in the eyes._

_“yes!” the girl sitting across from her answers determinedly, making her look up. she expects pity in the younger girl’s eyes, but her friendly smile blinds her._

 

jeongyeon still hates all the adjectives the older girl called herself back then: a burden, a liability, a self-destructive cynical mess.

living together has allowed them to grow closer, and mature up. for nayeon, it was a matter of learning how to co-exist, and how to let someone in. for jeongyeon, she discovered other dimensions of life and its responsibilities.

 

-

 

today is one of the bad days, jeongyeon burges into nayeon’s room to wake her up, only to find her fully dressed, still in her outfit from last night. she’s lying in bed, staring at the wall as if it held all the answers to every unanswered question out there.

nayeon hums as a response to anything the girl says, until she stops answering.

 

they would usually go to the library together on off days between exams, and jeongyeon is relieved that at least it’s not an exam day. she makes breakfast, brings nayeon’s share into her bedroom, along with an apple and a bottle of water. she’s well aware of the older girl’s tendency of forgetting to eat when she’s in such a state, and knows that she wouldn’t eat even if food is on her nightstand; she wouldn’t even breathe if she could.

 

“I’m a call away,” is the last thing she says before leaving. she realizes that there’s nothing more to say, that it’s just enough for nayon to understand what she really wants to say.

  


when jeongyeon comes back with lunch, she finds nayeon in her bed. she would believe that she hasn’t moved an inch, if not for the countless cigarette butts, and the half empty water bottle. at least she is staying hydrated.

 

“may i open the window for some fresh air?” she asks, her voice laced with tenderness.

“hm.”

“i’ll be in the kitchen, if you wanna join me for lunch.” jeongyeon adds, before leaving her room, closing the door behind her. nayeon knows she’ll wait for a couple of minutes in hopes of her showing up, but will eventually start eating, all alone.

  


when nayeon finally leaves bed, late in the evening, she spots the untouched plastic bags with the corner of her eyes. her younger friend didn’t even touch the food. she groans, continuing her way to the bathroom.

  
  
  


“what are you doing here?” jeongyeon asks with a hushed voice, inspecting the girl standing before her, with her bed hair sticking out of her hoodie, and her don’t-talk-to-me face mask.

“i didn’t know i’m not allowed in the library.”

“you’re obviously not here to study; unless you tucked an entire syllabus under your hoodie to save the trouble of cramming the thousand papers in a backpack.”

“i’m here to walk you back home.”

jeongyeon almost chuckles, has a million comebacks in her head, but the girl sounds genuine, and there’s a warm feeling in her chest. her shit-eating grin evoques nayeon to make a mental note to start walking her flatmate home.  

 

jeongyeon checks the time on her phone; “you even know the time i come home,” she remarks in fake surprise. nayeon just rolls her eyes.

 

on their way out, she meets mina’s gaze, and almost stops to talk to the girl, but she only manages a small smile. she snickers at the crack in jeongyeon’s voice when she wishes jihyo goodnight, and starts teasing her the moment they step out of the library.

 

“hm, _goodnight jihyo, woman of my wet dreams, lady i touch my-"_  nayeon starts coughing as jeongyeon pulls her in a headlock.

“take it back!”

“ask her,” more coughing, “out!”

“i said,”

“nayeon!” a voice calls out, interrupting the two girls’ bickers, and probably saving nayeon’s life. they stop, pulling away immediately as the girl approaches them.

“hi, mina,” nayeon starts, her voice an octave lower.

“hi! hey again jeongyeonnie,” the girl greets, a bashful smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

“i didn’t see you in the library today. i asked jeongyeon earlier, and she said you were sick. uh, i just, i was wondering if you are feeling any better.” mina explains, shyly rubbing her nape.

nayeon throws a glance at jeongyeon, realizes from the shimmer in her eyes that it will be a long way back home, then she looks back at mina.

“i’m feeling much better,” she interrupts herself to fake cough, then adds, “thank you for asking, and i’m sorry if it got you worried.”

she could hear jeongyeon’s snorts at the back of her head.

“ah, no it’s okay. hm, goodnight then.”

“goodnight mina” nayeon replies, smiling at the girl, before she turns around, walking back into the library building.

 

jeongyeon didn’t even wait for the girl to get out of sight before, “ _goodnight mina, woman of my wet dreams, lady i-_ ”

“don’t have a crush on!” nayeon barks back.

“yes, says the blush on your bunny cheeks.”

“don’t call them that!” nayeon retorts.

“bunny cheeks!” jeongyeon says again, sticking her tongue out, earning a frustrated huff from nayeon.

“i’m only blushing ‘cause it’s cold!”

“ _i’m only blushing ‘cause it’s-_  oh! is this why you came over to walk me home? to see your lady love? not so smooth miss im.” jeongyeon teases, shaking her head from a side to another, the breeze playing with her short locks. nayeon doesn’t try to defend herself.

“so, myoui mina, huh?” jeongyeon wiggles her eyebrows in that way that makes nayeon want to slap her in the face. she manages not to, and answers dryly to her question.

“nah.”

“how do you guys even know each other?”

“you used to talk about her so much i almost thought you had the hots for her,” nayeon teases, trying to avert the conversation.

“what? no! whatever, nayeon, i meant how come you two talk to each other? the school’s sweetheart and the school’s, uh..”

“nobody?”

“i was going for asshole.”

“she lent me her hoodie once ‘cause i was freezing to death, that’s all.”

jeongyeon knows that there’s more to it, and nayeon knows that jeongyeon knows. however, she is considering how comfortable would mina be with jeongyeon finding out that she smokes, thus keeping the details of their queer meeting to herself. they fall silent after that, stopping by a grocery shop for some snacks and coffee. jeongyeon does the ordering, knowing exactly what nayeon would like to get.

  


they are one block away from their apartment building, arms locked and hands busy with the grocery bags, when jeongyeon speaks up again.

“i know you’re here because you feel guilty, nabongs. please don’t.”

her statement is genuine, but she doesn’t get an answer, not like she was expecting one. however, she is wishing that nayeon would understand her heart, would see in herself even one ounce of what jeongyeon sees in her, a hardworking student, a very smart person, a strong survivor.


	5. her world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: borderline schizophrenia.

mina sits at her usual spot in the library -the round table closest to the big wooden door, where the air is always fresh and she could take a whiff of the season's scent. the place is silent, as if no person occupying a patch of the vast space is alive. and maybe they were not. they lacked life anyways, especially during exams. it is empty on most regular days, and she likes it that way -silent, empty, peaceful.   
  
she's watched seasons pass by the old building, as it remains a sculpture protected by the gods, unchanged.   
  
she considers it her own shell, a shelter from the outside world, an excuse not to go home right after classes end. sometimes she frequents it during the holidays too, like a monk sticking to his shrine, never leaving, never wanting to leave. jihyo would drop by every now and then, getting done stuff she should've been over with long time ago. she's not the only one who would frequent the abandoned place though; a junior kid sticks around for holidays too, always sitting by the huge window on the second floor, sketching something down her notebook. mina thinks she has no family to go back to; feels like a monster for wishing she had none herself.   
  
it gets pretty cold during winter; the heaters sucking at their job just like everyone else. and the kids find themselves huddled in their padded coats and ugly christmas sweaters. but mina loves it, loves the cold of the library that feels warmer than what’s supposed to be her own home. home. such a queer feeling to mina. she loves the library that is silent, empty, peaceful

 

she is staring down at her collection of colored note cards, thinking about how this building older than her grandparents, how these walls standing tall and proud, create some sort of a safe zone that she finds herself sinking into. looking up, her eyes trace the endless bookshelves, carrying thousands of millions of words between the often yellowing pages. 

 

she has always loved the smell of books: new books, old books..since she was a child. they've allowed her to live in worlds other than where she exists: kingdoms, villages, homes, where her parents were not screaming at each other the entire time, where her father never would raise his hand, where her mother knew the meaning of sobriety. in her world, love was no longer a sequence of letters forming a word that described an unknown feeling, family was a bond that went much further than blood-relationships, and life, was beautiful. 

 

mina has developed a handful of habits as she grew up. the school’s therapist -whom she was forced to see by none other than jihyo- calls them coping mechanisms. the old man rates them from best -reading- to worst -smoking. mina likes to remind him that at least she’s not a drug addict, or god forbid, an alcoholic. how ironic would it have been if she were an alcoholic.

mina has been seeing the old man for a while now, and he may or may not know that she only does that for all the interesting books he keeps recommending her.

 

she never told him about her failed attempts, or the voices in her head. she never will.

 

mina locks herself in the library, metaphorically -except that one time when it wasn’t so metaphorical and she “accidentally” got locked up in the library-, spends most of her free time attending meetings of clubs she isn’t even officially a member at, goes to school even when she’s got a high fever and a killer flu, and works herself to the point of exhaustion, to avoid going home. that’s miss myoui mina, the myoui mina who isn’t student council vice president, model student, underclassman prodigy, but the myoui mina who is a mess, a mess, and a mess.

 

she despises going home, having no one to go home to. she locks the door to her room more often than not, skips dinner, keeps any interaction with her parents as short and as shallow as possible, disgusted to even breathe the same air they are breathing. mina grew up blaming herself for how little her parents cared about her, how much they did not love her. she used to think that if she did good in school they would love her, be proud of her. now she only thinks about how she is never going to be good enough, and she hates herself.

  
  
  
  


“you okay?” the question pulls her out of her reverie, and she looks down from the cloudy sky to meet nayeon’s worried eyes. she wants to greet the girl with a smile, or anything that isn’t the frown plastered on her face, but she finds herself unable to smooth the creases between her brows. nayeon doesn’t mind the lack of response, and squats down next to the younger girl. she watches mina let fall the cigarette she was smoking, pulling out her packet to offer her a cigarette, as she grabs another one for herself.

“smoking much today, myoui?” she tries again, in an attempt to incite a response from the girl. nothing.

 

she tries to ignore the tightening in her chest, blames it on the lack of nicotine, as she lights up the white stick perched between her lips. she doesn’t comment on how aggressively mina seems to be breathing in the chemicals.

 

“you know that saying ‘no one will love you before you love yourself first’?” mina’s sudden question almost startles her, almost.

she hums in response.

“i think it’s full of bullshit.”

now, if the question didn’t startle her, then mina’s unforeseen use of a swear word surely did, and she silently gasps.

“would you like to elaborate?” she asks after a beat of silence.

mina stares down at her cigarette, as if inspecting it, as she tries to put her thoughts into words. she inhales again, before trying to explain it to the girl who’s looking up at her from her crouched position.

“the answer is inevitably ‘love,’ but i think that loving yourself isn’t the first step to take, at least not in this case. i believe that, i believe that..because some of us didn’t learn to love themselves, didn’t even learn the meaning of love, it shall be more like ‘i will love you, until you love yourself.”


End file.
